You heard that right.
I am coming out.
About the day that was the most bitter sweet day of my life. The day I was sexually assaulted.
I don’t like to go into detail about the night, or what was done and how I felt. I feel like that is the very least important thing about the whole experience.
It was what happened the day after, and the years that followed.
I remember waking up in my own bed so confused on what happened the night that had been, Ben (not his real name, but let’s just call him that) was sitting eating breakfast with my brother and my mother while they had no clue what he did.
Ben called my mum mumma bear, they laughed together from what I remember I made myself a coffee and went outside. Ben left and didn’t return for awhile. He did text me saying sorry, he thought I was his girlfriend…
My whole family was going through the hardest point in their lives, when I told them I knew that it wasn’t going to sink it because we were all in a dark place, if we got through the day that was enough. So for a while I had to deal with what happened on my own.
So, yeah. I guess you could say I overcame this alone.
This happened 2009. When people hear this story they ask me why I didn’t tell anyone for so long. I am about to reveal that now, which is the reason why I am sure any assault survivors (men and women) don’t come forward.
The thoughts were dark. Very dark.
“Will anyone believe me? I am sure other people had it worse than I did. If I share my story will people think I am seeking attention? What if someone I know tries to hurt Ben? Maybe people will say it was my fault.”
The list went on. There was so much shame. I didn’t want people looking at me with such pity.
I dealt with Ben staying in my life for a few years afterwards; I don’t want to go into that for the sake of my family. Let’s just say the moment it hit my brother fully about what he did, he was no longer welcome. From what I am aware Ben is now a dad and alive and well. But facing him day in and day out tested me. It tested my worth. It made me feel crazy, maybe he didn’t even do it? But my body knew he did.
Now that was the bitter, this is the sweet side.
About 2 years ago, I forgave Ben fully. Not for his sake, for my own.
I realised if I let that moment rule me for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be able to fully commit to my husband without feeling some what scared, even though subconsciously I knew he would never hurt me.
I knew that I can flip this negative into a positive and share this story with anyone who has gone through any abuse and tell you that you CAN get through it.
I could of let him ruin my sex life, my self worth, my state of mind. But I thought, he didn’t deserve to have that control over me.
I seen him recently, walking through a local shopping mall. I held my head so fucking high. In my mind I said, “You never won.”
I wanted to share this now, as I have had more and more questions about it as it is mentioned in my “It’s Okay To Be Selfish” eBook.
I am here to say, you can get through. Whatever you feel like you need to do to overcome it, do it. Put yourself first. The only person that can let it go is you. You don’t need to look the person in the eye and forgive them. Do it in your heart. Do it for yourself. Do it for you.
This very experience is why I have turned my passion for helping women feel beautiful and worthy into my career. We can overcome anything that comes our way, all of us.
If you have any more questions about this, you are welcome to message me on Facebook anytime. I am here for you.
I am grateful you got through it.