Isn’t funny, how you think you know exactly what you would do in a certain situation, and then when you are in it; your process of dealing with it is just blown out the window? You say “If XY happens I will deal with it this way.”
And when it does, you are so stuck, unsure what to do.
It was, Friday the 22nd of September 2017. I was still recovering from an epic 4 day event in Sydney. This particular Friday i was on my way to my naturopath to get my monthly herbs. Every 3 or so months, I take a pregnancy test. Not because I wanted to fall pregnant, but if I was, the herbs could do damage, so it was just something I did to feel safe.
I had this urge to do one before I saw Saphy, 5 minutes before I saw her to be exact. I wasnt sure at the time if it was 3 months, but I knew I needed to have one.
Here I am, sitting on a toilet in the city anxiously waiting for the result.
It was positive.
My initial reaction was a, “Oh, okay. I guess I better tell Saphy.”
I sat waiting to be called in. She greeted me with that beautiful smile of hers. Although it quickly changed.
“Rhi, what’s wrong?”
“I took a pregnancy test.” I trembled so badly. Within seconds I fell into her arms like a big ball of emotional anxiety.
I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t look at her. She was so happy for me, I wanted it to be just a nightmare.
If you know me, you know full well I have never wanted kids.
I am, well – was, all about the fur mum life. I would joke with so many people if I was to ever fall pregnant I would rock up with a bottle of vodka ready to drink my sorrows.
I never, ever thought I would ever be in this situation.
I couldn’t calm down. I kept telling Saphy to shut up because it wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t know what to do. Saphy eventually calmed me down and told me to go get a blood test to confirm, as a pee test can sometimes be wrong. There was a sign of a relief for a moment.
I collected myself, walked out sobbing through the Myer Centre. Got in my car and called the doctors.
I couldn’t handle being alone with my thoughts. This was the first time I felt this way since my teenage years. I couldn’t cope. So I called my mum.
My poor mumma bear, was at work 5 hours away and didn’t know what to do.
She didn’t have many words, she asked if there was anything I could see as a positive.
“Fuck positivity! Fuck gratitude! Fuck this!” Was exactly what I sobbed to her.
“The only positive right now is that you answered the phone.”
Then, it dawned on me. How the fuck am I going to tell Ashley?
Seriously, babies were so out of our thoughts, even when we did out 5 year plan, children did not come up once!
I was too scared to see him in person, I was in now state to be excited, I was just so fucking scared. What will he say? Will he be okay if I say I don’t want to do this? Do I want to do this? Can I even be a mum? I even got mad at him for a moment because I just wished we did more to prevent this from happening, even though subconsciously I knew full well it takes 2 to tango.
I arrived at the doctors, I called him and just sobbed. He was so scared, he thought I was in a car accident at first until I said, “I just did a pregnancy test. I am so sorry.”
And just cried and cried.
He dropped everything at work and came to me. The man comes across like he’s built from steel, but as soon as I am weak he turns into this mushy ball of love.
I got out from my appointment and saw his face and just fell into his arms, crying my eyes out.
At this point in time I had no idea how he was feeling, whether he was excited or scared shitless. He came across so calm and nurturing which is exactly what I needed.
After I got my bloods done, they told me I had to wait 72 hours for the results.
72 FUCKING HOURS!?!?! I have to sit with this feeling for 72 fucking hours before I know for sure that there is something growing inside of me. How the fuck am I meant to keep my cool?
So over that weekend, I had copious dairy free chocolate, a couple of baths; one which I sobbed my heart out to Ashley where I honestly told him if I didn’t know if I could do this. I was still so fucking scared. Yet again he didn’t share his emotions with me. He was just my comforter. He kept saying, “When we get the blood test results back, I will tell you how I feel, but for now you need to rest and calm down.”
Sunday he took me out to Mount Cootha. I really wanted to go to mount Tambourine as it’s my happy home but I was told I can’t because of the altitude? How fucking stupid is that. This didn’t help my situation as I immediately thought, great. I can’t go to my favourite place in the whole world. My lack of freedom is diminishing.
It was nice though. We layed on the grass looking at the trees and just breathed. He then took me to the markets and bought my roses and some bath bombs so I could go home and relax some more. Knowing the next day is the day I find out for sure, if I could be a mum…
With all the nerves in the world, I sat waiting at the doctors. He called my name and within moments he told me that yes, I am pregnant. He told me my options because when I first saw him on the Friday I was crying so much, he didn’t know if I was happy or not.
I called Ashley and he said, “Okay, go get some beer for me and chocolate for you so we can talk about this when I get home.”
I thought the 72 hours took forever. Those 4 hours waiting for him to come home felt like 4 months. I was so fucking anxious. I still didn’t know if I wanted to keep it. I didn’t even know if he wanted to keep it. We always said that if it happens, it happens but in this moment I really didn’t want it to be happening.
Ashley came home, he cracked open his beer. I sat down and there was silence.
“So…” I broke the tension.
“Are you going to tell me how you feel?”
He did. He said a lot. But the line that got me right in the heart space was.
“I have never wanted to die, not knowing what it’s like to be a dad. I want to be the dad I never had, so I am sorry; I want to keep it.”
In my mind I was screaming, “WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT? MY DREAMS? MY FUTURE?”
But then it hit me all at once.
If I seriously, without a doubt did not want to be in this situation, I wouldn’t of allowed myself to be in it. I would of protected myself more. I believed it was all too hard because with PCOS, I didn’t exactly have a normal cycle. I was going to see Saphy to fix this. Not to fall pregnant, but to get it normal.
This when I realised you could be prepared for a situation. But when you are actually in it, it’s so very fucking different.
I was still scared because it could be twins. My nanna was a triplet and my Nonna was a twin. The idea of 2 or more was even scarier than one.
The following day, I had my dating scan. Can I just say, how fucking painful is it to hold your bladder for an hour after drinking a litre of water then they go pressing on your gut for 15 minutes or so. SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE.
Anyways, within minutes the doctor confirmed there was only one and there was a heart beat. I couldn’t look at Ashley. His emotions were smeared across his face he was lit up like a Christmas tree.
Afterwards he looked at me and asked, “So, does this mean?”
My heart, had never been so full. I thought it was bursting on a wedding day. But this moment. I just knew.
“Yes, you are going to be a dad.” as I smirked.
He was still in alot of shock but I knew he was so excited.
I called my mum and told her that we had decided she was going to be a Glamma.
Tears of joy screamed through the phone. It was beautiful.
I drove to work and in this moment, my whole perspective of having kids changed.
I had the belief that I never wanted kids, because this world is so cruel. But I can be the change, I can have my child be the change for the future.
I never wanted kids because of my lack of freedom. But then I realised, so many people I look up to like Peta Kelly, Melissa Ambrosini, Carissa Hill all have kids and they are living life on their terms.
Who is it to say I can’t do it either?
Surely life won’t be the way I imagined and things will have a different route, but I can get whatever I want. Because I can.
Like I say to everyone.
We all have a choice. We all have the opportunity to change our perspective and look at the good rather than the bad. We can choose to get out of our head and into our heart.
With the weeks that I have gone by since writing this, I now know that this is the best oops ever.