An open letter to the men who have failed me…
There’s a lot of you, really.
While you are a part of my past, I need to get this off my chest.
Dad, remember when you left? I asked you to stay if you loved me… You pushed me away and drove out the gate. I knew in that moment you are not someone I use as an example of how a gentleman should treat a woman.
To the family member who told me I am fat, every. Single. Encounter.
I remember you telling my friends to stop buying me hot chips because I am fat enough. At the age of 14 you told me I needed to go on a diet. You laughed when I said I had a boyfriend, “better get into shape love.” It’s so clear now why I had a horrible relationship with food, for so long.
My first love, you probably won’t remember me. You were too caught up in the opinion on what others had to say about us. They knew best, right? Since then you have turned to me and spoke of regret. I look back at you, and see the bullet I dodged.
To the boy who preyed on my innocence. You got so mad at me for saying no. Like I was something that didn’t make it to your hall of fame. Then you had the audacity to date my friend, only then for you to play her and break her heart. Thank god I said no.
The one who turned me from a girl into a woman. You did a good job at holding space for me, but I saw after a while you avoid. Avoid the deep emotions. Things got too deep, I see it now. You weren’t ready. I helped you become a man, but I see now the little boy in you, is still hurting. I loved you, more than I had ever loved. You took that away when you fell in lust for another woman. The regret washes over you, I know – you remind me. But it’s okay. You taught me what loyalty means.
To the popular kid who would hug me, only to grab my boobs, my arse, you even motorboated me once. You laughed with your friends. I remember feeling like I was just a human without emotion. Thanks for the unsolicited attention.
To the boy who saw my heart breaking. Thank you. You brought me McDonalds and watched stupid movies. You never once showed you wanted more, I could tell. But you were so respectful, so thoughtful. You may read this, you may not even know this is about you – but I won’t ever forget you.
The boy who hit me for standing in his way. I won’t forget the way you looked at me when you tried to stop me from hanging out with my friend. Like I was a possession of yours that no one could have. You played the victim, it’s cool. It worked in your favour. Everyone hated me after you told another story. Did you know I got called a slut, a whore, a “home wrecker” because of you? But whatever, you were the one hurting the most, right?
The boy who forced himself on me. I seen you the other day. You didn’t see me. You have a son now. It kinda shook me. Because I know I am not the only one you did horrible things too. You not only invaded my privacy, you invaded my family. You have a family now, it’s crazy. I prey. I frikken. Pray. That you have learnt and you raise your son to be the boy that you were not.
The man that showed me everything I did not want in a man. I should have seen the signs when you befriend the guy who sexually assaulted me. Told me I must be friends with him, only to call me everything under the sun for befriending him… A pathological liar you called me. That’s interesting. You made me feel so fucking small, you manipulated me, created me into someone I was not, only to cheat me, use me, betray me. Over and over again.
The man who only wanted me when I was pretty enough.
67kgs I was, the smallest I had ever been. Don’t get me wrong I looked hot AF. But we had known each other for over 5 years man. Everytime someone suspected us something more, you would say that’s gross. I am just a friend, I am not your type. (you know, the blonde hot, tiny, bimbo type – your words, not mine) you slept with my friends, you would tell me how hot they were. I always had a soft spot for you, I wonder if maybe we could be. It only became clear you wanted me when I looked right. I soon caught on. When I didn’t choose you, I never heard from you again. You never chose me dude, never. I waited. You never were there.
The man I married. Thank you. Thank you for showing me that there are wonderful men, humans – in the world. Thank you for treating me like a queen. Thank you for coming into my life when you did, thank you for reminding me of my worth.
And to the rest of you men. I want to say thank you, and I forgive you. While it was tough going through the lessons you brought into my world, I know now that you taught me what love truly is, what my worth is, what I expect from people.
I forgive you, I don’t need to tell you it to your face, some of you may not even realise that this is about you. But I release the hurt, as I no longer need it, require it, to thrive.
So wherever you are, I hope you are better, because I am.
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